THE ART OF ACTIVE LISTENING
When interacting, people often are not listening attentively to one another. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next. This is particularly the true case when people are in conflicts or disagreements.
Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others. Its focuses attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference and suspending judgment are important in order to fully attend to the speaker.
Active Listening as a Communication Tool
For teens and parents, adolescence is a time of happiness and troubles. It is a time when an adolescent breaks from the past, and yet, retains some childhood behavior. As a parent of a teenager you may often feel as though your son or daughter is speaking a completely different language than yours. Still, listening to your children during their teen years is important because this is the crucial time when they are forming their identities and taking ownership of their own values and beliefs.
It is a vital part of parenting teens. Active listening is a communication tool that can help parents and teens speak with each other clearly and be understood. This paper defines active listening skills and demonstrates how to use these skills to strengthen communications between you and your adolescent.
Three types of responses in active listening
Active listening is about focusing on the person who is speaking. An active listener needs to focus full attention on the person who is speaking. The way parents can show they are actively listening is to do the following:
· Listen Non-Judgmentally,
· Rephrase
· Ask Good Questions.
· Empathize With Their Teen.
Firstly, as a parent, you train yourself to ask questions in a way that allows your teen to feel comfortable about answering truthfully, and about using his or her own words. Secondly, you restate what you heard to make sure that you understood what your teen was saying. Lastly, you need to take the time to see things through your teen’s eye and get some understanding of how adult-in-process is experiencing a given situation.
Rephrasing
Rephrasing is a tool you can use to make sure that you understand the message that you think your teen is sending. It is rephrasing the information you just received to make sure you understand it. For instance, your child says, “I don’t like mathematics and the teacher because he never lets us do anything cool!” You might say, ‘it sounds like you are having a hard time with math and that makes you feel frustrated and bored”. This technique helps parents and teens communicate in several ways, i.e.
· First, it helps parents make sure they understood the message correctly.
· Second, by restating or rephrasing, you draw further information from your teenage son or daughter.
· Third, rephrasing allows the teen to know that his or her parents have heard them and are interested in what he or she has to say.
· Fourth, it allows the teens an opportunity to correct any misunderstanding immediately.
Asking questions
Often questions can seem accusing or blaming to the person asked. A question may make the person feel comfortable or feel backed into a corner. For example, if a parent asks his or her teenager, “You didn’t like the movie, did you?” it is clear that the parent doest not approve of the movie and, if the teen did like the movie, he or she ends up feeling the need to defend his or her position. Consider how much easier it would have been to respond to the question “what did you think of the movie?” and once your teen has expressed an opinion, rather than giving yours, ask more questions to encourage your teens further thinking.
Active listening requires the speaker to look at the hidden meaning behind the question. People often ask questions that might make others feel pressured into coming up with the correct response. For example, you might feel pressured when someone close to you asks, “Do you think I have gained weight?” These types of questions tends to put the person being asked on the defensive. Often the person may shut off communication in order to protect him or her.
Empathizing
This means that you have the to put yourself in some else’s shoes. To empathize you must ignore your own perception of the situation and accept other persons feelings, thoughts and ideas of the situation as yours. See to it as the other person – during your discussion. It doesn’t mean you need to agree with the other person or allow the other person to set his or her own rules to avoid confrontation.
This means that you do not see the other person as ridiculous or silly. Your acceptance of his or her ideas and feelings increases the chance that the other person will talk to you about the problems and issues that he or she is facing.
It is very easy to know when you are empathic because:
· Your body language and tone match.
· Your tone and your feelings match.
· You are focused on what the other person is saying and meaning you are trying to see things from his or her own point of view requires that:
· You do not impose your feelings, thoughts and ideas throughout the conversation.
· You refrain from immediately giving advice.
· You are tired after listening because it takes a great deal of energy.
· You ask yourself if you would make that same statement to an adult. If not then think twice about making it.
Tactics
It is important to observe the other persons behavior and body language. Having heard, the listener may then paraphrase the speakers words. It is important to note that the listener is not necessarily agreeing with the speaker – simply stating what was said. In emotionally charged communications, the listener may listen for feelings, thus, rather than merely repeating what the speaker has said, the active listener might describe the underlying emotion (“you seem to feel angry” or “you seem to feel frustrated, is that because…?”).
Individuals in conflict often contradict one another. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other person’s position. Either party may react defensively, and the may lash out or withdraw. on the other hand, if one finds the other party understands, an atmosphere of cooperation can be created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.
Thomas Gordson state in his book “Leader Effectiveness Training” that active listening is certainly not complex. Listeners need only restate, in their own language, their impression of the expression of the sender… still, learning to do active listening is really a difficult task…”
Uses
Active listening is used in a wide variety of situations, including tutoring, medical workers talking to patients, HIV Counseling, helping suicidal persons, management, counseling and journalistic settings. In groups it may aid in reaching consensus. It may also be used in casual conversation to build understanding, though this can be interpreted as condescending.
The benefits of active listening include getting people to open up, avoid misunderstanding, resolving conflict and building trust. In a medical context, benefits may include increased patient satisfaction, improving cross-cultural communication, improved outcomes, or decreased litigation.
Barriers to Active Listening
All elements of communication, including listening, may be affected by a barrier(s) that can impede the flow of conversation between individuals. Some of these barriers include distractions, trigger words, vocabulary, and limited attention span to name a few.
Results from active listening
· Active listening takes time and practice and does not produce result overnight.
· Usually, each time you are discussing, your conversation get easier and will include more active listening, not just from you but from the other person.
· You have to lead the way.
When interacting, people often are not listening attentively to one another. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next. This is particularly the true case when people are in conflicts or disagreements.
Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others. Its focuses attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference and suspending judgment are important in order to fully attend to the speaker.
Active Listening as a Communication Tool
For teens and parents, adolescence is a time of happiness and troubles. It is a time when an adolescent breaks from the past, and yet, retains some childhood behavior. As a parent of a teenager you may often feel as though your son or daughter is speaking a completely different language than yours. Still, listening to your children during their teen years is important because this is the crucial time when they are forming their identities and taking ownership of their own values and beliefs.
It is a vital part of parenting teens. Active listening is a communication tool that can help parents and teens speak with each other clearly and be understood. This paper defines active listening skills and demonstrates how to use these skills to strengthen communications between you and your adolescent.
Three types of responses in active listening
Active listening is about focusing on the person who is speaking. An active listener needs to focus full attention on the person who is speaking. The way parents can show they are actively listening is to do the following:
· Listen Non-Judgmentally,
· Rephrase
· Ask Good Questions.
· Empathize With Their Teen.
Firstly, as a parent, you train yourself to ask questions in a way that allows your teen to feel comfortable about answering truthfully, and about using his or her own words. Secondly, you restate what you heard to make sure that you understood what your teen was saying. Lastly, you need to take the time to see things through your teen’s eye and get some understanding of how adult-in-process is experiencing a given situation.
Rephrasing
Rephrasing is a tool you can use to make sure that you understand the message that you think your teen is sending. It is rephrasing the information you just received to make sure you understand it. For instance, your child says, “I don’t like mathematics and the teacher because he never lets us do anything cool!” You might say, ‘it sounds like you are having a hard time with math and that makes you feel frustrated and bored”. This technique helps parents and teens communicate in several ways, i.e.
· First, it helps parents make sure they understood the message correctly.
· Second, by restating or rephrasing, you draw further information from your teenage son or daughter.
· Third, rephrasing allows the teen to know that his or her parents have heard them and are interested in what he or she has to say.
· Fourth, it allows the teens an opportunity to correct any misunderstanding immediately.
Asking questions
Often questions can seem accusing or blaming to the person asked. A question may make the person feel comfortable or feel backed into a corner. For example, if a parent asks his or her teenager, “You didn’t like the movie, did you?” it is clear that the parent doest not approve of the movie and, if the teen did like the movie, he or she ends up feeling the need to defend his or her position. Consider how much easier it would have been to respond to the question “what did you think of the movie?” and once your teen has expressed an opinion, rather than giving yours, ask more questions to encourage your teens further thinking.
Active listening requires the speaker to look at the hidden meaning behind the question. People often ask questions that might make others feel pressured into coming up with the correct response. For example, you might feel pressured when someone close to you asks, “Do you think I have gained weight?” These types of questions tends to put the person being asked on the defensive. Often the person may shut off communication in order to protect him or her.
Empathizing
This means that you have the to put yourself in some else’s shoes. To empathize you must ignore your own perception of the situation and accept other persons feelings, thoughts and ideas of the situation as yours. See to it as the other person – during your discussion. It doesn’t mean you need to agree with the other person or allow the other person to set his or her own rules to avoid confrontation.
This means that you do not see the other person as ridiculous or silly. Your acceptance of his or her ideas and feelings increases the chance that the other person will talk to you about the problems and issues that he or she is facing.
It is very easy to know when you are empathic because:
· Your body language and tone match.
· Your tone and your feelings match.
· You are focused on what the other person is saying and meaning you are trying to see things from his or her own point of view requires that:
· You do not impose your feelings, thoughts and ideas throughout the conversation.
· You refrain from immediately giving advice.
· You are tired after listening because it takes a great deal of energy.
· You ask yourself if you would make that same statement to an adult. If not then think twice about making it.
Tactics
It is important to observe the other persons behavior and body language. Having heard, the listener may then paraphrase the speakers words. It is important to note that the listener is not necessarily agreeing with the speaker – simply stating what was said. In emotionally charged communications, the listener may listen for feelings, thus, rather than merely repeating what the speaker has said, the active listener might describe the underlying emotion (“you seem to feel angry” or “you seem to feel frustrated, is that because…?”).
Individuals in conflict often contradict one another. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other person’s position. Either party may react defensively, and the may lash out or withdraw. on the other hand, if one finds the other party understands, an atmosphere of cooperation can be created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.
Thomas Gordson state in his book “Leader Effectiveness Training” that active listening is certainly not complex. Listeners need only restate, in their own language, their impression of the expression of the sender… still, learning to do active listening is really a difficult task…”
Uses
Active listening is used in a wide variety of situations, including tutoring, medical workers talking to patients, HIV Counseling, helping suicidal persons, management, counseling and journalistic settings. In groups it may aid in reaching consensus. It may also be used in casual conversation to build understanding, though this can be interpreted as condescending.
The benefits of active listening include getting people to open up, avoid misunderstanding, resolving conflict and building trust. In a medical context, benefits may include increased patient satisfaction, improving cross-cultural communication, improved outcomes, or decreased litigation.
Barriers to Active Listening
All elements of communication, including listening, may be affected by a barrier(s) that can impede the flow of conversation between individuals. Some of these barriers include distractions, trigger words, vocabulary, and limited attention span to name a few.
Results from active listening
· Active listening takes time and practice and does not produce result overnight.
· Usually, each time you are discussing, your conversation get easier and will include more active listening, not just from you but from the other person.
· You have to lead the way.
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